A Life of Changes

Ever since I decided to join the Society of the Divine Word, on average, I have moved place of residence once a year – from one house to another, from one city to another, from one state to another, or from one country to another. Each time I moved meant a whole series of decisions of deciding on what to pack up, what to keep, what to discard, or what to give away. Sometimes, it wasn’t just about the material things such as books, clothes, or memorabilias, but also non-physical things like plans, relationships, and projects.

In 1998, when I graduated from Berkeley with my bachelor degree and decided to enter Divine Word College as a postulant, I put away my biochemistry books, canceled my plan of going to medical school, and headed for something that was going to be quite exciting in, of all places, Epworth, Iowa – the cornfield town of the cornfield state.

Then a year later, I moved to Techny for the Novitiate Year. After taking my first vows in 2000, I moved to Chicago for theology, then to Vietnam for the Cross-Cultural Program, then back to Chicago. I took my final vows in September, 2005 and was ordained to the priesthood in May, 2006. At this time, I again packed up my belongings. The task of deciding what to keep and what to discard was even more intense this time because my assignment was going to be to the Australian province. That meant going to a different country for a long time, and possibly forever.

But Australia wasn’t going to be my last stop, because from Australia, I was assigned by the Provincial to the mission of Thailand. So in February 2006, I made my way to Bangkok to start my Thai language study program. With the exception of a 2-month hiatus in which I had to leave the country because of visa complications, I have been in Thailand since.

But as I write this, I have to tell the reader that I am no longer in Bangkok. As of three weeks ago, I have moved to Udon Thani, a province in the Northeast of Thailand, near Laos, where I am in the process of adapting to the new environment, memorizing new names of people I meet and of places I go to, learning how to recognize the tones of the new dialect (which is very different from the dialect that I learned in Bangkok), getting to know the new customs, learning how to eat even spicier food than what I had in Bangkok, and sometimes…. just feeling very overwhelmed at everything that is happening to me.

But before anyone thinks that I’m settled down….Not yet. As I am only in the stage of being inculturated into the local church and environment, I am now staying at the cathedral in Udon Thani for a short time until a long-term work is decided for me. That means I expect to move again not too long from now. And wherever that is, is a question that I am praying will come to me more clearly by the grace of God.

Our SVD Thailand mission is a small mission. We have now only four people, two brothers, and two new priests (myself and another confrere studying Thai in Bangkok). My addition to the Thai mission is part of the plan of the SVD to expand our work in this country where there are only 300,000 Catholics in a population of 63 million people. But expansion is a tricky experiment in which trial and error can occur as we find directions for our work that meets the need of the local church as well as corresponds to the SVD charism.

And so in the midst of uncertainty and explorations, we depend on the Holy Spirit to help us recognize the path that we should venture down in order to respond appropriately to the mission needs and aspirations of the church in which we serve. Standing before many paths stretching themselves before my eyes, I wonder with the greatest sincerity about what I have been called to do in this country.

Last Saturday, two Vincent de Paul sisters invited me to a school in the village where they teach English to students on the weekend. I accepted the invitation and was allowed to be guest teacher for the day. Standing before a group of 35 students, speaking Thai and English, teaching the kids how to sing the Barnie song, making them laugh when I said some jokes, I felt like working with young people continues to be something that is always in my list of pastoral activities.

After the sisters took over, I went to sit on one of the benches. A 70 year-old grandmother came to sit down next to me. She held my hand in hers and said, “Father, you’re so cute. The way you teach make the kids laugh and enjoy learning. I hope you will come here again next time.” I thanked her for her kind words and asked about her life, if she ate well and slept well at night. “Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night,” she said. “You think about something, and then it’s hard to fall asleep.”

“Grandmother, you’re old already. You shouldn’t be thinking anymore,” I told her.

“How can you not think?” she said. “There are grandchildren to take care, and the children don’t have good jobs. Before, it was easy to find money. But now, there are too many expenses and no way to make money.”

Life is hard in the villages, but the people are friendly and good-hearted. And I think to myself, should I stay in the city or do I prefer the village? Both has its own needs. Here in the city, I have met a group of people who definitely has a need for a priest who can speak Vietnamese. That’s the young Vietnamese people from the central provinces of Vietnam who have made their way to Thailand and stayed illegally in order to work in restaurants, sewing shops, and other manual labor work. I met them when I was in Bangkok and I have met some since I’ve come to Udon Thani.

No one knows how many Vietnamese illegal workers there are in Thailand, but in Bangkok, when a Vietnamese language Mass was organized, up to 600 attended. But these Masses only happen once every two months because it is difficult to find a church that allows for the mass to take place. The main reason has to do with the illegal status of the Vietnamese workers, most of whom are young people in their teens and twenties. Virtually everytime that a mass was organized, someone was arrested on the way to or from church as they were stopped by the police to check for documents. Because of the fear of being arrested, many don’t go to church on Sunday. However, if there were a Vietnamese language mass, many would risk it because they longed to attend mass in their own language and to have an opportunity to meet with their friends.

During my stay in Bangkok, I have gotten to know many of these young people and have helped another Vietnamese priest who works with the community. Here in Udon Thani, there are also many and they also long for a Vietnamese language mass or to have a Vietnamese to hear their confession. In reality, many of these workers, after living in Thailand for a significant amount of time, can speak Thai quite well, but there is nothing better than using one’s own mother tongue for very personal things like confession and worship.

Before coming to Thailand, it never came into my mind that there would be illegal Vietnamese migrant workers in this country who needed me pastorally. I did know, however, that there are Vietnamese-Thai who migrated to this country since the the first half of the 1900s and even several hundred years ago, during the persecution of Catholics in Vietnam. Vietnamese-Thai grow up in an environment where being Vietnamese was discriminated. As a result, many hid their identity, took on Thai names, and tried to live as Thai. Freedom and citizenship have been granted to people of Vietnamese ancestry only over a decade ago, so the mentality to hide their identity is still prevalent in the Vietnamese-Thai consciousness. Vietnamese-Thai, having migrated here long ago, speak the kind of Vietnamese that we find in Vietnam a hundred years ago – that is the one who can speak.

The first time I met a Vietnamese Thai who was able to speak to me in Vietnamese, she greeted, “Chao ong cha.” I was quite surprised because normally, Vietnamese people only say “Chao cha”. The word “Ong” usually used for men who are older is not used in conjunction with the word “cha” which means “father”. After being greeted this way many times by Vietnamese-Thai, I decided to ask why was I greeted in this way, especially when I am only a little over 30 years old. I was told that this was how priests were to be addressed, “ong cha”.

A large percentage of the Catholic population in Udon Thani, and in Thailand are of Vietnamese ancestry. And among the priests and religious, there are no few Vietnamese. But the ones who can speak their ancestor language are far and few. But my coming to Udon Thani has also brought about some interest to the Vietnamese-Thai here, especially the older people who still use the language and like to be able to use it with a Vietnamese speaking priest.

At this moment of relating to my conferes and readers of my work and experience in Thailand, I can only say this much. Choices and options are many. There are much to be reflected over and to be decided upon. When I made my decision to come to Thailand, I came for the Thai people and I am resolved to work with the Thai people. But nothing ever is exactly the way I plan it. Before me, there are Thai people, Vietnamese- Thai, and Vietnamese migrants. Before me are three groups of people, all of whom I would like to serve, all of whom I would like to get to know, and I hope all of whom would welcome me into their midst. Is there a place to work, a position, or an environment that would allow me to be in contact with all three groups? It is something that I am wondering and praying over at this time.

Uncertainty is prevalent. But there is one thing that I am sure of, and that is, I am moving…always moving. Moving physically, moving spiritually, moving culturally, and moving emotionally. There are moments where English-Vietnamese-Thai all seem to try to come out of my mouth at the same time as I try to have a conversation with someone standing before me. There are moments where I am filled with hope one instant then anxiety the next. There are moments where I wish I could settle down to a long-term assignment one minute, then suddenly become so grateful that these constant changes have brought me into so many encounters, some of which would never be possible if I had only stayed in one place the entire time.

Making the Right Choice

It was a normal high school lunch break in sunny Southern California. In the flag pole area by the administration building, the popular guys and girls were hanging out with each other. Over by the arts building was the more withdrawn group of students, usually dressed in black T-shirts of various rock or heavy metal bands. And towards the history building was the hang out for Asian American students. I had just come out of a school club meeting, and on my way to the restroom. I was a senior, my last year of high school.

As I made my way between the crowds of people, I bumped into Jenny, a Vietnamese friend in the 11th grade. She was crying.

“Hey, what’s up? Why are you crying?” I asked.

She hugged me tightly, then said, “I need someone to talk to?”

“Yeah, what’s the matter? You can talk to me. Do you want to go somewhere?” I tried my best to sound sympathetic and supportive.

“Can we go in the back of the science building?”

“Ok, let’s go,” I said forgetting that I needed to go to the bathroom.

As Jenny and I found a quiet place away from the crowd and sat down on the grass, I asked again, “Tell me what’s going on with you. It must be something serious because I’ve never seen you like this.”

“Tony, it’s serious. Promise me that you wouldn’t tell anybody,” Jenny said in between sobs.

“Of course, just tell me, maybe I can help,” I reassured her.

“Tony, I think…I think I’m pregnant,” Jenny told me at last.

“What? Are you positive? How do you know?” I was no longer so sure about what I could do to help.

“I’m not definite. I’m a few days late with my period.”

“But that doesn’t mean you’re pregnant, does it?” I wasn’t so much of an expert myself in terms of female biological issues. And in fact, Jenny didn’t know all that much either.

“I don’t really know, but I’m just so scared right now. I don’t know what to do.”

“When did this happen?”

“Just last week. My parents were away. David came over after school, and he convinced me into doing it. It was our first time,” Jenny told me how it came about.

Lunch break was now over, but Jenny was in no mood to go to fifth period. So, we both asked our teachers to let us go home early because of an emergency. Jenny and I found our way to a health center in the city. It was the only place we knew where pregnancy testing took place, even though we also knew that it was a place where abortion procedures were done. A staff member talked to us, but told us that it was still a little too early to check whether Jenny was pregnant or not, and to wait for a few more days.

The following days were very stressful for us, especially for Jenny who would have a heavy price to pay if she were really pregnant. We could not concentrate on our studies. All we could do was get on the phone to talk to each other about what to do if what we feared came true. We were both Catholic, and we knew that abortion was forbidden by the church. But if Jenny were to have the baby, what would happen to her future? As teenagers, the way to solve this issue seemed like something that neither of us had the ability to think of for ourselves. But we were also afraid to ask our parents because we didn’t think they would understand us. We were desperate.
Fortunately for Jenny, all the worries and anxieties were finally put to rest, when a few days later, she happily came to tell me that she was not pregnant after all. She finally had her period.

I was relieved that the decision of whether to abort or not abort a baby never had to be made by Jenny. However, as a teenager, I am not sure how I would have advised my friend at that time.
Now, as an adult, and as a priest, when thinking back on this event, I often wonder what I would have said then if our fears came true. Would I have given Jenny the right advice such as finding adults to help us sort out the issue? To think about the innocent baby that had no role in the fact that it was conceived? To try her best to handle the consequences of her action? Or to think about how she would feel if she did really kill a life?

I am not sure that I could have helped my friend to do these things because as a teenager, I was probably not mature enough to think of the right things to do. Perhaps the lack of maturity and wisdom that Jenny and I had could have led to the action that is being done by millions and millions of young people all over the world every year, and that’s resorting to abortion to solve the problem of unwanted pregnancy. From poor countries to rich countries, from big cities to small towns, teenagers are finding their ways to hospitals and clinics to have abortions done in order to put an end to their troubles. At least that’s what they think.

Troubles don’t end with abortions. Putting aside the fact that you’re killing a life; putting aside the fact that many of the abortion procedures are dangerous to your health; and putting aside the fact that you’re running away from your responsibility by getting rid of something sacred, the act of abortion will haunt you because you know in your heart and soul that you’re doing something really really immoral.

Recently, a young man came to me for confession. He said that he and his girlfriend had aborted their baby two years ago because at that time, they were not married and not ready to have a baby.

“Is this the first time you confess about this?” I asked.

“No father, I’ve already confessed this sin several times before,” he replied.

“When you confessed during those times, what did the priest tell you?”

“Father told me that I can be forgiven if I am truly sorry for what I have done. But for some reason, I still don’t feel like I am forgiven. My girlfriend and I always think about what we did, and it’s always on our mind. Even though it’s been two years, we still cannot forget about it. That’s why I wanted to confess again.”

The experience of this young man and his girlfriend is a very common experience with people who have aborted their babies. God made all of us to be good people. And because we are good people, if we do something terribly wrong, our conscience tells us right away. That is why there are so many people who struggle constantly in their heart because of the mistake they did in having an abortion. Having a baby unplanned can be very difficult and the price is definitely high, but perhaps nothing is as high as the feeling of guilt and pain that we carry within ourselves for having violated God’s law forbidding us to take away a helpless, innocent human life, especially when that human life is a part of our own flesh and blood.

It is true that God can forgive anything, even the gravest sin. God can forgive when we are truly sorry for what we have done, and we promise and do our best to repent for the sin that we have committed. But sometimes, it is easier for God to forgive us than for us to forgive ourselves. That’s why many people who have committed abortion face such grave emotional and spiritual troubles in their lives.

Dear friends, life is a series of decisions that we have to make everyday and every minute. We started to make decisions since we were just a few years old. Some decisions are a piece of cake; we can make them in a split second without giving a second thought. But not all decisions are this easy. Some have great implications for our life. As we live in this modern age, the issue of unplanned pregnancy is no longer something unfamiliar to us. Either we ourselves have encountered it, or someone we know like a friend or family member has had to face this experience.

Whatever we do, I believe that we cannot go wrong when we make the decision for life instead of against life; make the decision for accepting the responsibility instead of running away from responsibility; and most importantly, make the decision for abstinence so that we don’t have to make the choice of abortion in the first place!

A Beautiful Heart

What does a truly generous and loving heart look like? It is one that looks like that of a poor fisherman named Truong Chi. For those of us who don’t know, Truong Chi is one of the most famous characters in Vietnamese literature. And his story moves us because of his deep and sincere love.

Once upon a time, there was a very beautiful girl named My Nuong, the only daughter of a powerful mandarin. Like all the maidens of her station in life, she met no one and was kept secluded in a high tower in the palace. She spent most of her time reading, knitting or standing by the little window in order to cast her eyes upon the Tieu Tuong River, which passed quietly beneath her.

Gliding along, from time to time, was the small boat of Truong Chi, a poor angler, who would sing songs as he cast his nets on the river. From afar My Nuong could not see his face, but could hear him singing, an enchanting and melancholic voice.

No one knew what feelings this voice produced in My Nuong’s heart. However, one day the boat was not seen on the water and she began to wait. After waiting in vain for many moons, she fell ill. Her anxious father called for doctors to cure her, but even the most famous doctor of the time could not discover the cause of My Nuong’s illness.

One morning, to everyone's joy and surprise, My Nuong suddenly recovered her health. The little boat had returned to the river and the voice of Truong Chi again filled the sky. Based on the words revealed by My Nuong’s maid, the mandarin called the angler in and brought him before the daughter. But after just one glance, she did not wish to see Truong Chi anymore; his face was ugly, completely opposite of what she had pictured in her mind.

Nevertheless, the meeting was a fatal one. It put an end to the love in the bosom of the girl, but gave birth to a desperate one in the heart of the poor fisherman. Worn by a hopeless love, he pined away in solitude and finally drew his last breath one dark autumn evening. Truong Chi took the secret of his unrequited love with him into the next world.

Many years later, Truong Chi’s family exhumed his remains in order to transfer them to the family tomb. In the coffin, they found nothing but a marvellous and sparkling piece of gemstone, which they put on the prow of the boat as a decoration to remember the dead.

One day an old mandarin passed by the place. Taken aback by the splendour of the precious stone, he bought it and ordered a clever turner to make a beautiful teacup from it. It was then that he made a very strange discovery. Every time the cup was filled with tea, there appeared the image of some poor angler rowing his boat around the cup.

My Nuong heard about this strange story and wanted to see it herself. When she poured some tea into the cup, the image of the poor ugly man that she once met appeared and she could again hear the resonance of his enchanting voice that used to mesmerize her soul. Feelings of longing and regret surged in her heart and turned into tears running down the sides of her cheeks. A teardrop fell into the cup, and as this happened, the gemstone cup that My Nuong was holding in her hand melted into pure water.
Perhaps you would not be surprised to see why the story of Truong Chi and My Nuong is one of the most romantic folk tales in Vietnamese literature. As young people, the situation in the story may be unfamiliar to us. In our modern lifestyle, we don’t know anything about mandarins or young maidens being kept up in palaces. We don’t know anything about the life of fishing on the river in order to make a living. We can’t imagine what it’s like listen to someone singing on the river. What we know is fast cars, ADSL internet, and mobile phones. What we know is FM radio and Podcast.

And yet, there is one thing that we know, and it has nothing to do with time, place, or culture. And that’s the quality of a true heart – a really really good heart. We can see from the story that Truong Chi was a poor young man. He had little but his boat and his nets to catch fish to sell at the market. And add to that, he was ugly – so ugly that the moment My Nuong looked at him, she never wanted to see him again.

But while Truong Chi did not have money or good looks, he was blessed with a talent that few had – a beautiful voice. This was a talent that he did not keep to himself but he shared it with everyone. As Truong Chi sang while he was fishing on the river, it probably wasn’t My Nuong alone who was enchanted by his voice and felt less lonely being kept in the palace. Perhaps there were babies lying in the cradle who fell peacefully asleep as Truong Chi’s voice lulled them. Perhaps there were farmers working in the field, having their backs baked under the midday sun, who forgot their tiredness because they heard his songs.

The more I read this folk tale, the more I admire Truong Chi because of his sincere and generous heart. How many of us are blessed with very wonderful talents, but are afraid or unwilling to share them with others? We keep our talents to ourselves because we are afraid to be criticized, afraid to appear in public, or afraid to fail? We’re afraid that people will talk about us and make fun of us.

Truong Chi was poor, and he was ugly. But his voice was beautiful. And he shared his talent with others in the best way that he could. The fact that Truong Chi was brave enough to sing as he worked on the river was because his heart was sincere and true. He wanted to share his gift with others without worrying about being made fun of or being criticized.

But Truong Chi’s story, as we know, is a tragedy, because as sincere and generous as he was, it wasn’t good enough for My Nuong to love him the way he loved her. He was disappointed in love and suffered from heartsick. But despite this, Truong Chi’s heart never changed. That’s why when he died, his body turned into a precious and sparkling gemstone. Even in death, Truong Chi showed everyone how truly beautiful his heart was. In the end, My Nuong herself was filled with regret for having rejected Truong Chi.

The story of Truong Chi and My Nuong reminds us that in any time and place, what is on the inside is far more important than what is on the outside. Love is something that comes from the heart, and we have to feel other’s love with our heart as well. If we try to look for love with only our eyes, chances are we might overlook something very precious and true.
The story of Truong Chi and My Nuong also reminds us that we should let our heart help direct our actions. If we have a heart of generosity and openness, we are able to overcome things that hold us back such as shyness and insecurity. When we do things from the heart, we can change the lives of people around us in ways that even we are not aware of.

Today, we don’t make a living casting fish nets on the river like Truong Chi. We don’t sing the same kind of songs that Truong Chi sang. But definitely, we can be generous like Truong Chi was generous. And we can love like Truong Chi loved.

Hắn và Tôi

Tôi đã từng đọc nhiều tác phẩm, truyện ngắn có truyện dài có; thơ tôi cũng thỉnh thoảng đem ra đọc, thậm chí còn bày đặt làm thơ để thể hiện tính nghệ sỹ ẩn nấp sâu đâu đó trong tôi, mà ngay cả tôi cũng không biết phải đào tới mấy lớp mới kiếm ra được. Nhưng tôi chưa từng đọc tuyệt tác của Robert Louis Stevenson là Bác sỹ Jekyll và ông Hyde bao giờ, nhưng tôi nghe nói truyện này hay dễ sợ. Tối nay, khi tôi ngồi uống cà phê, nói chuyện với một thằng bạn thân, tôi hỏi nó:

- Êh mày, mày đã đọc truyện Bác sĩ Jekyll và ông Hyde bao giờ chưa?

- Ừhm, tao đọc lâu rồi, từ thời học cấp III kia. Mà sao mày hỏi? – Nó nhìn tôi với ánh mắt ngờ vực. Tôi ra vẻ phớt lờ.

- Thì tao tò mò muốn biết vậy thôi. Cốt truyện ra sao vậy mày?

- Đọc lâu lắm rồi, tao không nhớ chi tiết. Nhưng đại khái truyện viết về một ông bác sỹ tài giỏi. Ông ta thí nghiệm với một loại thuốc khiến cho bản tính ông bị chia thành hai, một bên thiện một bên ác. Nhưng dần dần thì ông mất đi sự tự chủ và ngày càng trở nên cực đoan. Ông bác sỹ hiền lành biến thành ông Hyde ghê sợ và tồi tệ ngày càng nhiều hơn. Sau đó ông Hyde bị cảnh sát truy lùng vì tội giết người, bác sỹ Jekyll đành quyết định tự vẫn để kết thúc thảm kịch do ông tạo nên.

- Truyện hay ghê. – Tôi tặc lưởi.

Thằng bạn nhíu mắt nhìn tôi, trên nét mặt lộ ra vẻ suy nghĩ như đang nghiên cứu một loài cây lạ trong rừng hay một con vật trong sở thú mới nhập khẩu từ Châu phi sang.

- Mày làm gì nhìn tao chăm chăm vậy mày? – Tôi hỏi.

- Tao đang xem coi dạo này mày giống bác sỹ Jekyll hay ông Hyde hơn. – Nó nhe răng cười, khoe hai hàm răng trắng bóc như mới đi chùi bằng kỹ thuật laser xong.

- Mày chọc tao hả? – Tôi làm mặt ngầu.

Nó cười rồi nói tiếp:

- Đâu có. Tao đùa với mày tí thôi. Mày hiền như Ma Seour mà làm gì có chuyện biến thành ông Hyde. Vã lại mày là kẻ tu trì mà, một ông cha, một nhà truyền giáo làm việc tận tụy trong vườn nho của Chúa. So với một thằng như tao, mày phải là thánh mới đáng.

Tôi không biết nó đang khen hay đang nói xỏ lá tôi. Tôi định hái chùm lá đưa nó xem nó có muốn xỏ hay không. Nhưng tôi làm biếng chạy ra ngoài hái lá, nên quyết định đáp trả bằng một câu chẳng gì là hay ho:

- Ừhm, tao cũng thấy mày giống ông Hyde dễ sợ.

Nó trợn mắt, há miệng, làm vẻ mặt hung dữ, nói giọng gừ gừ trong cổ:

- Bây giờ mày mới biết hả?

Nhìn nó biến dạng tôi phì cười. Nó cười theo. Cả hai đều cười xuýt bể bụng.


Nói chuyện bán dưa lê với thằng bạn, nhưng tối về nhà tôi nằm ngủ không yên. Hình ảnh ông Hyde hung dữ hiện lên trong đầu tôi, tròng mắt đỏ loét như đang có máu. Gân xanh nổi lên đầy trán, răng nhọn hoắc như một con quỷ. Tôi rùng mình.

Một lát sau, ngủ không được tôi dậy đi tắm, rồi xuống nhà bếp uống ly sữa loại không có chất lactose vì tôi vốn không uống được sữa bình thường. Uống loại sữa đó là tôi chạy tào tháo. Tôi ghét nhất là bị chạy tào tháo.

Nhìn mấy cái chén chưa rửa bên cạnh bồn nước tôi bổng dưng nhớ lại sự việc lúc tối qua. Trong bữa ăn tối, nhà dòng có thêm một số khách dùng bữa, khiến cho lượng chén bát nhiều hơn. Nhưng đến giờ rửa chén thì số người anh em ở lại giúp vẫn không thay đổi. Những ai thường ở lại rửa thì vẫn ở lại, trong đó có cha Maurice trên 70 tuổi rồi mà sức vẫn còn sung khủng khiếp. Còn những ai thường ăn xong rồi bỏ đi thì vẫn bỏ đi (Chúng tôi vốn có chế độ rửa chén ‘tự nguyện’). Những cha già thì không ái trách, họ có muốn rửa cũng không cho. Nhưng có ông trẻ sức lực còn đầy mình mà ăn xong rồi chỉ phủi mồm, không ở lại để lau khô một cái bát gọi là thể hiện tinh thần đoàn kết.

Thấy vậy, cái thằng có tính tình bủn xỉn trong tôi được đánh thức và nhảy toang ra. Hắn vừa lau bát vừa càm ràm: “Cha cụ gì mà làm biếng quá chừng”.

Hắn liếc nhìn ông cha với ánh mắt khinh dễ khi ông mang đĩa từ bàn ăn vào nhà bếp, đặt vào bồn nước, rồi bước ra khỏi phòng ăn một cách tỉnh bơ. Thấy vậy, hắn thầm nói một cách chua chát: “Biết ăn mà chẳng biết làm!”

Cái thằng có đầu óc so đo tính toán, và nhỏ mọn đó, hắn ẩn nấp trong tôi, và sẵn sàng chụp lấy bất cứ cơ hội nào để lao ra và thể hiện chính mình. Tốc độ xuất hiện của hắn nhanh đến nỗi tôi không kịp chận hắn lại. Không có hắn, trong đầu tôi nẩy lên nhiều tư tưởng rất cao thượng. Tôi quan tâm đến người nghèo khổ, bệnh tật, và những người bị đàn áp. Tôi có những hoài bảo được đấu tranh cho công lý và hoà bình. Tôi mong mỏi được trở nên dụng cụ mang Tin Mừng và sự bình an của Chúa đến mọi người. Không có hắn, tôi là hiện thân của lòng từ bi và nhân ai. Nhưng khi hắn xuất hiện, hắn cướp đi trí thông minh của tôi. Hắn hoàn toàn điều khiển miệng lưởi và suy nghĩ của tôi. Tôi trở nên một tay sai ngu ngốc của hắn.

Tôi rất ghét cái thằng bủn xỉn đó, nhưng hắn không muốn rời bỏ tôi. Hắn cứ lẩn quẩn chờ đợi một hành động, một lời nói, hay một cử chỉ của ai đó làm cho tôi không vừa lòng là hắn tự động trình diện khuôn mặt dữ tợn của hắn. Khi tôi đuổi hắn đi, hắn thu mình lại một cách miễn cưỡng, nét mặt hầm hực, và ánh mắt hắn tỏ ra đầy hận thù với lời tuyên bố như của Arnold Schwarzenegger trong bộ phim Kẻ huỷ diệt: “Tao sẽ trở lại!”

Trong cuộc sống, có nhiều khi diễn ra cuộc xung đột giữa tôi và hắn một cách ác liệt. Khi tôi đầy đủ vũ khí để đối phó với hắn thì hắn bị đánh nhừ, có khi còn nằm thoi thóp như chờ chết. Nhưng hắn không chết, hắn nhắm mắt giả vờ tắt thở. Tôi nhìn thấy hắn nằm không động đậy, tưởng hắn chết thật, nên quay mặt đi. Tôi trở lại với công việc quan trọng mà tôi được giao trách nhiệm để thực hành. Nhưng rồi trong khi tôi đang tự tin và chủ quan, hắn lại hồi sinh với sức mạnh ngoan cường. Hắn hoành hành và tấn công làm cho tôi bầm dập.

Thằng bạn tôi nói đúng, tôi là một nhà tu, một ông cha, một nhà truyền giáo, đáng ra tôi phải rất thánh thiện. Nhưng sự thực thì trong tôi cái thiện với cái ác lúc nào cũng chung sống với nhau, bên này chờ bên kia xuống sức để thể hiện chính mình. Nhưng nghĩ như vậy không thì có lẽ cũng bi quan quá. Dẫu biết thiện và ác đều hiện diện, nhưng không lẽ tôi để cho cái ác nó hoành hành vô tội vạ sao? Tôi tự nhủ: Nếu không muốn cái ác có cơ hội điều khiển mình thì tôi phải tiếp tục chiến đấu. Nghĩ đến đây trong lòng tôi dâng lên một ý chí quyết tâm mới. Tôi cảm thấy lạc quan hơn. Nhưng tôi biết, chẳng khác gì cuộc xung đột giữa khối Ả-rập và nước Do Thái, cuộc chiến khốc liệt giữa cái thiện và cái ác trong tôi còn dai dẳng. Vì thế tốt nhất là phải luôn luôn trong tư thế “sẵn sàng chiến đấu”!

Xây đắp tương lai trên đất Thái

Xây đắp tương lai trên đất Thái
Ly khách ! Ly khách ! Con đường nhỏ
Chí lớn chưa về bàn tay không
Thì không bao giờ nói trở lại
Ba năm mẹ già cũng đừng mong. Tống Biệt Hành (Thâm Tâm)


Ngoài sân nhà thờ có chuyện đang xảy ra, có người lên tiếng: “Cảnh sát đến!” Tôi bỏ cái chổi quét nhà xuống để chạy ra xem sự cố. Cảnh sát đến thật. Một anh cảnh sát trong trang phục màu nâu sát người. Cha S. một linh mục Việt kiều Thái đến chận anh trước sân để nói chuyện. Phía sau mấy trăm bạn trẻ Việt Nam ùa vào bên trong nhà ăn, người đi người chạy. Một bạn gái bị té ngất xỉu. Mọi người cố gắng giữ bình tĩnh mặc dầu trên khuôn mặt nỗi lo âu hiện rõ.

- Có ai bị bắt không? – Ai đó hỏi.

- Không biết. Hình như có. – Có người trả lời.

Một lát sau anh cảnh sát lên xe quay đầu lái về hướng cổng nhà thờ, ở ghế sau có một bạn trẻ tên Phúc. Người bạn trẻ bị bắt chiều hôm ấy trước nhà thờ Don Bosco chỉ là một trong hàng ngìn bạn trẻ Việt Nam đến Thái Lan lao động bất hợp pháp đã từng bị cảnh sát Thái Lan bắt vì không có giấy tờ cư trú hợp lệ. Người bạn trẻ tên Phúc ấy cũng là một trong gần 600 bạn trẻ đi tham dự thánh lễ của cộng đoàn Việt Nam ngày 4 tháng 11 năm 2007 tại Bangkok.

Ở Thái Lan hiện nay số người Việt sang lao động không có giấy tờ hợp pháp lên đến hàng chục ngìn. Không ai biết số lượng chính xác là bao nhiêu. Dường như tất cả đều đến từ ba tỉnh Miền Trung Việt Nam là Thanh Hóa, Hà Tỉnh, và Nghệ An là một vùng có kinh tế kém phát triển ở Việt Nam. Vì nhu cầu mưu sinh trong khi cơ hội tìm việc làm trong nước ngày càng khó khăn, các bạn trẻ đành phải tìm cách vượt biên giới sang đất Thái để kiếm sống bằng những công việc như may áo quần, bán quán, hoặc những công việc lao động tay chân khác. Làm việc cực nhọc vất vả mỗi ngày 15-16 giờ đồng hồ cũng kiếm được một tháng vài trăm đô để gởi về cho gia đình. Nếu không bị cảnh sát bắt giam hoặc để tống tiền khi đang đi ngoài đường thì họ cũng sống tương đối bình yên. Mà hầu như bạn nào ở Thái Lan cũng đã từng bị cảnh sát chận một vài lần, đa số là để lấy tiền. Nếu không lấy tiền ngay lúc đó rồi thả cho đi, thì đem về đồn chờ bạn bè hoặc chủ thuê việc đưa tiền lên chuộc.

Cũng vì sợ bị cảnh sát phát hiện nên nhiều bạn trẻ không dám đi ra đường. Mà phát hiện người Việt cũng không mấy khó khăn đối với người làm trách nhiệm Thái. Từ cách ăn mặc đến cái kiểu đi đứng của các bạn xuất thân từ miền quê dễ nhận ra lắm. Mà quê Việt Nam nó lại không giống quê Thái tí nào nên lại càng dễ bị phát hiện hơn. Người Việt lại bị mắc một triệu chứng “có tật giật mình” nên nhiều khi thấy cảnh sát, chưa gì đã bỏ chạy. Ông công an nào dù chưa biết mô tê gì mà nhìn thấy cử chỉ khả nghi cũng phải chạy theo điều tra, vì là nhiệm vụ của họ. Thế là bị tóm cổ luôn. Cách đây không lâu một nhóm bạn trẻ mời tôi đến nhà chơi vào chiều Chúa Nhật. Cả nhóm làm thức ăn mua bia về đãi. Chỉ trong một buổi chiều mà các bạn đã nhận được hai cú điện thoại cầu cứu, mỗi lần có 3 người bị bắt. Tôi hỏi:

- Đi đâu mà bị bắt?

- Thưa cha đi chợ. – Tụi nó trả lời.

- Vậy giờ làm sao?

- Dạ giờ bạn bè góp tiền đem lên chuộc về.

- Đơn giản vậy à?

- Dạ nếu nó còn ở đồn thì đơn giản. Nhưng nếu bị chuyển qua sở di trú rồi thì hết giúp được.

Ra đường bị bắt như thế làm cho các bạn ngại đi đây đó cũng phải. Lần đầu tiên tôi được mời đến dâng thánh lễ cho cộng đoàn Việt Nam, tôi ngồi tòa giải tội gần 3 giờ đồng hồ. Có 10 người đi xưng tội thì hết 9 người xưng tội bỏ lễ ngày Chúa Nhật. Có bạn chỉ đợi đến khi nào có lễ tiếng Việt thì mới dám mạo hiểm đi. Mà lễ tiếng Việt thì một vài tháng mới có một lần. Lý do cũng chỉ vì không có nhà thờ để làm lễ. Có nơi từ chối không cho cộng đoàn Việt Nam làm lễ vì cho rằng các bạn trẻ Việt Nam thiếu trật tự quá. Mà nhận xét của họ cũng không sai đặc biệt vì nhiều bạn trẻ quá thiếu ý thức trong việc giữ dìn vệ sinh và tôn trọng khuôn viên nhà thờ. Vì thế làm lễ ở nhà thờ Fatima được một thời gian rồi bị “đuổi”. Sau đó qua nhà thờ St. John cũng chỉ được vài lần. Gần đây nhất là nhà thờ Don Bosco, làm lễ được 4 lần.

Gần đây cha Nguyễn Tiến Đức, một cha Dòng Đaminh đang theo học tại Thái Lan và các seour Dòng Mân Côi đang dạy học tại Bangkok giúp tổ chức cộng đoàn có trật tự hơn. Việc chia khu chia tổ được thực hiện. Khi tổ chức lễ có ban trật tự để đi quanh nhắc nhở các bạn đừng hút thuốc, xã rác. Có người đứng trước cổng nhà thờ để hướng dẫn người ra vào. Rồi cha Đức còn tổ chức ban “nhiệt tình” để dọn vệ sinh sau các buổi ăn sau lễ. Nói đến đây tôi xin nhắc lại tại sao khi cảnh sát đến nhà thờ tôi đang cầm cái chổi. Đó cũng là vì ngày hôm ấy, cha S. được ai đó tặng mấy thùng cam. Cha mang cam đến cho các bạn ăn. Nhưng nhiều bạn ăn cam, bóc võ, nhã hột quên….bỏ vào thùng rác mà thả thẳng xuống sàn nhà trong phòng ăn. Thế là tôi và một số bạn khác phải đi tìm chổi quét rác không thôi bị cha xứ khiển trách cũng nên.

Nói chung là thời gian gần đây các cha, các seour, và một số người lãnh đạo trong cộng đoàn cũng nỗ lức lắm trong việc tổ chức cộng đoàn cho có cấu trúc, có ban, có ngành. Dự định ngày 30 tháng 12 sẽ mừng lễ Giáng Sinh (ngày 25 các bạn phải làm việc không đi lễ được) một cách hoành tráng, và sẽ có nghi thức giới thiệu và tiếp nhận các thừa tác viên. Trong một buổi họp gần đây, ban trật tự hứa sẽ làm việc đắc lực hơn nữa để cho việc tổ chức thánh lễ được êm xuôi. Cái ca đoàn mới được thành lập cách đây hai thánh lễ dự định sẽ hát thánh ca Vọng Giáng Sinh, và hát đến hai bài trong phần hiệp lễ. Rồi cộng đoàn sẽ mời một số khách đến tham dự để làm quen với cộng đoàn. Và đặc biệt hôm ấy, cộng đoàn sẽ bày tỏ lòng tri ân với giáo xứ Don Bosco bằng cách mời cha xứ ra để cho cộng đoàn cám ơn và tặng một món quà nho nhỏ để làm kỷ niệm.

Ca đoàn chưa kịp tập hát, thiệp mời khách chưa kịp gởi đi, quà cho cha xứ chưa kịp mua thì tôi nhận được tin từ Phong:

- Cha ơi, mình bị đuổi nữa rồi.

- Hả? Sao bị đuổi? Mình đâu làm gì đâu mà bị đuổi? – Tôi hỏi lại.

- Con chưa biết hết thông tin. Nhưng con nghe nói là nhà thờ Don Bosco, họ họp và quyết định là họ không muốn cho mình làm lễ ở đó nữa vì họ không muốn bị luyên lụy trong việc chứa chấp người bất hợp pháp. – Phong trả lời.

- Vậy là do cái dụ có đứa bị bắt lần trước à?

- Đúng vậy.

Cha Đức và Bác Trọng, một Việt kiều Thái và cũng là người lăn lộn để tìm cho cộng đoàn có nơi làm lễ không kiềm nỗi sự bức xúc. Sự buồn bã của hại vị được thể hiện rõ trong bài báo đưa tin về hoàn cảnh của cộng đoàn được đăng trên trang Vietcatholic:

Về giấy phép làm việc đối với người Việt sang lao động ở Thái thì người có người không. Đây cũng là chuyện thường tình đối với những người sang Thái làm việc từ các quốc gia khác, và cũng là chuyện phổ biến ở xã hội Thái. Nếu có thiệt thòi một chút vì lợi ích lớn lao là được các linh hồn, sao họ lại không chọn ? Vậy lẽ nào vì thế mà từ chối việc mở cửa nhà thờ cho người Việt ở đây muốn đến với Chúa để mừng lễ Giáng Sinh??? Chúa ở trong nhà thờ đành chịu để cho người giữ cửa cho hoặc không cho Chúa được gặp con cái mình sao???

Lẽ nào vì thế mà nhu cầu tâm linh rất chính đáng của những người dân Việt xa xứ lại không được Giáo Hội địa phương đáp ứng. Không mượn được nhà thờ để mừng lễ Chúa Giáng Sinh cũng đồng nghĩa với việc người Việt tha hương không có lễ Giáng Sinh và không thể lãnh nhận bí tích Hòa Giải để dọn hang đá tâm hồn đón Chúa Hài Nhi. Không biết trách nhiệm này thuộc về ai? Chẳng lẽ đàn chiên phải chịu tội???

Bản chất của Giáo Hội là truyền giáo. Thế Giáo Hội địa phương này truyền giáo thế nào? Thay vì đi tìm chiên lạc đàn trở về, giờ có những 600 con chiên vượt gian khó, tìm đến nhà Chúa nhưng lại bị người giữ cửa từ chối không cho vào và đành phải bơ vơ, nghểnh đầu dáo dác! Thế có phải là truyền giáo hay không, hay là phản truyền giáo???

Trong Tin mừng, Đức Giêsu đã ví mình như người chăn chiên lành, người bỏ 99 con trong đàn chiên để đi tìm cho bằng được một con chiên lạc, đưa nó về đàn (Lc 15). Giờ đây có một đàn chiên Việt tha hương (600 con), đang bơ vơ lạc lõng ở xa xứ, vì không có chủ chăn hướng dẫn; đang hoang mang, dáo dác vì không biết đến đâu để mừng lễ Giáng Sinh; đang thiết tha mong mỏi có được chuồng chiên để trú ngụ khi gặp giông tố; đang nhiệt tình tìm kiếm hang đá Belem để đến thờ lạy Chúa Hài Nhi trong đêm Giáng Sinh!!!

Cuối cùng thì một nhà thờ khác cũng đã chấp nhận cho cộng đoàn Việt Nam mượn để làm lễ Giáng Sinh. Giờ đây mọi người đang truyền miệng cho nhau về địa điểm mới của thánh lễ sắp đến. Nhưng nhà thờ lại ở xa, ở một vùng không mấy quen thuộc với đa số các bạn, và không có phương tiện xe cộ công cộng đi lại dễ dàng. Mà đi lại chính là nỗi lo toan của những người trẻ không có trong mình những tờ giấy hợp pháp. Chắc chắn sẽ có một số bạn đến nhà thờ Don Bosco để dự lễ nhưng lại không thấy ai. Rồi sẽ có một số bạn tranh thủ đi đến địa điểm mới từ sáng sớm, trước lễ 4-5 giờ đồng hồ vì giờ đó an toàn hơn. Rồi cũng sẽ có người đi không đến nơi vì bị lạc đường, hoặc bị cảnh sát bắt giữ ngay trên đường đi. Và có lẽ cũng sẽ có bạn đi lễ xong không về đến nhà vì bị phát hiện và bắt giữ.

Tôi viết bài chia sẻ này khi chỉ còn ba ngày nữa là đến lễ Giáng Sinh. Đêm 24 ở nhiều nhà thờ sẽ đầy nhóc người. Nhà thờ Chánh Tòa tại Sài Gòn phải có vé mới vào tham dự lễ đêm được. Ở Hà Tỉnh, Nghệ An, Thanh Hóa, quê hương của các bạn trẻ giờ đây mọi người đang nô nức trông chờ lễ Noel. Và lễ Noel ở quê của các bạn cũng không thiếu sự trang trọng. Nhưng tại Bangkok giờ đây, các bạn đang cặm cụi với cái bàn may. Mặc dầu trong 63 triệu dân ở Thái Lan, chỉ có 300.000 ngìn người là Công giáo, nhưng ở các trung tâm thương mại, người ta trang hoàng cũng hoành tráng và rực rở lắm. Nhưng các bạn đâu dám ra đó để ngắm cảnh, mà có dám ra cũng không ra được vì phải làm việc đến khuya. Và đêm 24, khi cả thế giới hân hoan đón mừng Noel, cũng sẽ có nhiều bạn đang ngồi trước chiếc máy may để kiếm những đồng tiền được trả theo sản phẩm, hoặc chạy bàn ở trong các quán ăn trong thành phố - như thể không có chuyện gì khác thường đang xảy ra.

A high price to pay

Recently, a friend asked me, “Did you hear about a Vietnamese teenage TV star who made a video of herself and her boyfriend having sex and it ended up on the internet?” “Who?” I asked. “I can’t remember her name, but it’s all over the Vietnamese news websites,” he replied.

I went to read the news and sure enough, there were many articles about an actress by the name of Hoang Thuy Linh whose popular TV series “Nhat Ky Vang Anh” had to be canceled because of the scandal. What her video depicted was so different from her good girl image that neither she nor the show producers felt that it was appropriate to continue. As a result, an actress on the rise to stardom in Vietnam had to fall deep and hard. Thuy Linh had to go on TV, and in the midst of tears, apologized to her family and teachers for disgracing them, and to her fans, most of whom are high school girls, for disappointing them.

As a result of police investigations, it was discovered that the people who distributed Thuy Linh’s video over the internet were also teenagers like herself. In Vietnam because it is illegal to distribute pornography, these students have been arrested and will be prosecuted for their crimes.

I’m pretty sure this scandal with a 19-year-old Vietnamese actress reminds us of another girl much more famous and wealthy. That girl is no other than the infamous Paris Hilton. But although Paris Hilton survived her tragedy, no one thinks that Thuy Linh will make it through hers.

The video incidents remind us of serious issues with young people today. First of all, young people are having sex when they aren’t ready. And add to that, many are not careful and responsible with their actions. The fact that young people are not only having sex, but are making video tapes, taking pictures, and then somehow make them available for others to see, whether by accident or on purpose, is something we have to seriously think about and ask ourselves:

“Is this right?”

“Should we be doing this?”

“What are the consequences that we will have to face by these careless actions?”

If you’re a young person in the twenty-first century, you’d have to be living under some pretty big rocks if you’re not surfing the web regularly, or at least sending emails to friends occasionally. In fact, there are some high school students who use the internet so much that they’ve become experts. Those people will end up in great jobs as engineers, software designers, game designers, or internet entrepreneurs. They’ll end up inventing new kinds of hardwares that will make technology progress to new heights.

And yet, there’s a bunch of teenagers who, like the ones involved in the Thuy Linh incident, spend a lot of time looking at internet pornography, and even spend a lot of time distributing videos and pictures for others to see. These people get hold of pictures, webcam photos, or videos of others, no matter whether they are famous or just a regular no-name person, and put them all over the websites for others to download.

We can readily see that people who are doing this to others is doing something really really wrong. If you’re in school, you should be spending your time doing your homework, preparing for exams, and playing sports. You should be using the internet for beneficial entertainment such as keeping in touch with friends, listening to music, and researching for information. If most of your time on the internet is spent with things related to pornography, then it’s time to rethink about your priorities.

On the other hand, as much as we are upset with the young people who are so willing to ruin other people’s lives by their mean-spirited actions, we can’t help but also see that such an incident would never have taken place if Thuy Linh and her boyfriend, Paris Hilton, and other young people would think more about their behavior. It is time for us to think again about what is the meaning and purpose of sex in our lives.

As young people, should sex be a part of life when we are not even sure if we can handle all of the consequences that go with this act?

The Catholic church asks that everyone restrain from sexual intercourse before marriage. This isn’t just a law to make us not be able to enjoy something that everyone should be able to enjoy. The Church isn’t out to deprive us of things that are good for us. But in fact, the Church knows that sex is an extremely important part of human life, and wants to make sure that we use sex in a way that it was meant to be – as an act of greatest intimacy between two loving husband and wife, and as a way for them to extend that love through the act of having children. The Church wants us to realize how valuable and meaningful sex is, so that it just can’t be done in a manner that was careless, and served little more than instant gratification. When two loving married people have sex with one another, they are doing the very thing that they were meant to do. The Church fully supports and wishes all married couples the best in their emotional, spiritual, as well as sexual life.

Returning to the sex video incident, we can see that today, there is an even greater challenge for us in the issue of sex. Now, we not only have to remind each other about whether or not to engage in sex when we are not married and are not ready, we have to further remind each other that it is not at all smart to do what many of our peers are doing. That is, making videos, taking pictures, and distributing them to others. Something that we do in a moment of fun can cause severe consequences.

As young people, we have dreams about our careers and our personal lives. Careless actions like these can cause all those things we dream about to be severely affacted, as the actress Thuy Linh is finding out in a very painful way. In addition, whether we realize it or not, as young people, we are members of a family and of a community. Our actions will have an effect on others. We Vietnamese have a saying, “Một con sâu làm rầu nồi canh (A bug can spoil an entire pot of soup).” What this means is that one unthinking action by one person can bring the whole family or the whole community down. When Thuy Linh’s show was canceled, not only she lost her job, but all the other actors and actresses, as well as the show staff lost their jobs as well. Thuy Linh was not the only person who felt ashamed, her parents felt disgraced as much as she did.

As I was following this news story with Thuy Linh, I came across a number of blogs where people left their comments about the actress and about her video. I was shocked and saddened for her because of so many jarring comments that anonymous people on the internet wrote. I could not believe that so many people had such atrocious things to say about a 19-year-old girl who had made a mistake in her life. These comments make me realize that sometimes when we make mistakes, it is very difficult to find people to sympathize with us, to support us, and to give us a second chance. But the people who are ready to ridicule and bring us down is easy to find.

That’s why we should understand that our actions have consequences attached, consequences that can be very costly. Sometimes, it’s good to find out for ourselves what happens when we make mistakes and learn from them. But other times, such as in the issue of pre-marital sex and irresponsible behavior such as the one we are talking about, do we really need to find out for ourselves what those conseuquences will be?

Living in regret: reflections of a young drug addict

I met Duy Anh for the first time in 2003 when he walked into the office of a program in Saigon which helped young drug addicts get off heroin. He was tall and slim, with light skin. He dressed in a light blue shirt and cream slacks. His hair was neatly cut and parted in the middle. He spoke politely in nothern Vietnamese accent, and had a bright and ready smile. His appearance and demeanor were much different from many young addicts his age who often looked hard and tough. The only sign of his toughness was some scars on his forehand as a result of trying to erase a tattoo with a cheap chemical called “thuốc tím”. As I was observing him, I thought to myself, I’d never suspect that this kid would be a heroin addict just by looking at him. But I was wrong. Duy Anh had been addicted for over three years, and what was worse than that, he was already infected with the HIV virus as a result of sharing needles with his friends.

The drug rehabilitation program accepted Duy Anh and tried its best to help him quit. During those times, I also tried to accompany and counsel him in the hope that he would get off heroin once and for all, so that he can live a healthier life. But helping heroin addicts is never easy. My effort was barely enough. After leaving the program, Duy Anh found his way back to the thing that had brought him and his family nothing but pain and misery.

But an important incident in Duy Anh’s life affected him in a profound way. After his father’s death in June of 2004, Duy Anh decided that it was truly the right time to say good-bye to a life of lies, deception, and self-destructiveness. I was not sure if he could do it, and people around him were doubtful that he could. But in June 2007, when I met Duy Anh again in Vietnam, he told me that it had been exactly three years since he got off drugs. Now, he is taking medication everyday in order to push back the effect of HIV and to prolong his life as much as possible.

But being able to get off drugs doesn’t mean life would be easier for Duy Anh. He still has to live with the consequences of his mistakes. And he struggles to make the best out of his situation, even though he is faced with many obstacles. Recently, he decided to write down some of his spontaneous thoughts about his life and experience and shared them with me. I asked Duy Anh whether I could share his thoughts with others, and he said I could do whatever I wanted, if it would help others not to make the same mistakes as he did.

I hope that these words from a young person will help you to look at your life in a different way. Perhaps it will help you to appreciate your family and your health more. Perhaps it will encourage you to change your ways if you find that you are also heading down similar paths as Duy Anh. Perhaps it will help you to value the good things that others give you, but you never really considered it. And perhaps it will remind you that the things we do have consequences. Sometimes, the consequences are not great. They will not affect us or others a great deal. But sometimes, the consequences can be overwhelming and very painful. So let us always consider carefully about what we do before we even do it.

Taking things for granted

“I was born and grew up in a family that wasn’t rich, but I was the youngest boy, so my parents always gave me a lot of love and attention. When I was going to school, whatever I needed was always given me by my family. I was very proud to my friends that I lived in such a loving home. I always took this love for granted. Drugs came to me for the first time when I was offered some by a friend in high school. That first time turned into many times and soon enough I became addicted without knowing it. When my mom found out that I was addicted to drugs, she cried a lot, and encouraged me to go into rehab.

“I listened to my mother and went into rehab. I also took time to sort out between right and wrong. Even though I felt like the best years of my life had already passed by, somehow, love came to me during this time. And I began to have dreams such as having a happy family and a good life. But those dreams were not powerful enough for me to say “no” to drugs. And I relapsed into my old ways….
Mistakes and consequences

“In life, everyone falls down once in a while. We fall down when we first learn how to walk. We fall down when we try to make it through life. Each time we fall down, we get up and the steps after that become more confident and sure. But as for me, after falling down, each step that I take afterward seems to be painful, and more difficult than ever.
“Those days of playing without any care has brought to me a disease that everyone in society despises. It was that carelessness that caused me to lose everything, including the girl that I love. My heart becomes stricken by pain every time I think back on this relationship. In life, it seems that when we have something, we always take it for granted, until it’s gone….

“Sometimes I become too tired to think further, so I tell myself to forget everything. But that’s just a temporary solution. Even just a small incident, a passing word from someone, a song, or something that I see brings the pain back into my heart. Some people tell me to stop looking at the past, and to start looking forward into the future in order to live. They tell me I’m too weak when it comes to relationships. Perhaps they are right, but what can we do when we believe that we have already met the person whom we LOVE?...

Pain and regrets

“To my mother…These are probably the last words that I will be writing to you. At 25 years old, I live as if I’m already near death. Now I look back and remember that first time when I lied to you in order to get money for heroin. I sold my life over to drugs and brought to you unspeakable pain and grief. I was once your source of pride and joy, as I was able to go to the university and eventually would graduate with a college degree. But I didn’t want to take the straight path forward. Instead I chose to take the money that you made with your sweats and tears in order to get high. I know that you suffer much because of me, but your tears no longer run down your face but secretly back into your heart. I wish that I had never found my ways to drugs, so that now I don’t have to spend the rest of my life regretting.
And some hope…

“But the months and years that I have left, I promise you that I will live well. I will do whatever I can, even though I know that a lot hardships and obstacles lie ahead of me. But fortunately, you have taught me how to be enduring and patient. And you have continued to give me your love. So I will try to do all that I can. I only hope that you will not worry more about me, so that it would not make your health worse.”
Nowadays, Duy Anh is a willing volunteer whenever he is asked by doctors, priests, or sisters to go share about his experience to other young people in Saigon. Let us pray that Duy Anh and other people like him find the grace and the strength from God to change their lives and live each and everyday that they have with confidence and hope. And may they also find love and support from family, friends, and society.